here...take my brain, but eat my heart
11:28 a.m. - 2004-06-05
A.'s game was great. She said they won, but I didn't know because they don't keep score. Anyway, she had on hot pink Converse shoes. She kept getting distracted, and I kept having to put my hand over my mouth (because I wanted to say, "PAY ATTENTION" & "BE READY!"). This weekend, we are going to go over some of the rules. For example, the guys in the other color jerseys are on the team oppposite of you. heh!
Oh my gosh, my mom is a trip. I just cried for the first time in a long time because I think that she is not going to pay me back what I spent on her. The total (including vet bills, patio furniture, etc.) is $896.00. Now I know, I bought a lot of that stuff blindly assuming she would pay me back. However, when she returned from her trip; she did say that she would definitely pay me back. I've been screwed by a lot of people about money, but I wholeheartedly trusted my mom. Now I feel like she is making a huge rift between us solely so that she doesn't have to pay me back. Well I'm going to just buck up and get through this. I'll be tougher for it. I'll get through this month, and then I'll get some summer school money and my Spanish class money. Then I'll do whatever I can. Pimpin' ain't easy. I also have $500 in savings that I was pretending wasn't there. I'm still going to pretend, but if worse comes to worse...ya know. Money is a really stressful thing, but family is more important. So I'll do what I can to get by. I feel angry and hurt, but it's not about the money anymore. I think I know how all the people felt who helped me out years ago only to see me go back over and over again to an abusive relationship. I see how frustrating that is. I should say that the culimnation of this fight was because my loser moocher cousin didn't pay his phone and electric bill, and I said something to my mom like, "I miss the part where that's your problem." She flew into an overly defensive rage because she knows she should not be helping him (he is an alcoholic and all his money goes to his loser boyfriend who is a drug addict). Yesterday I told my sister-in-law (who totally thinks my mom should pay me back and all, of course), "Maybe I should just stop paying my bills and just let this family support me too." Okay, but I say stuff that I don't really, truly mean. I just want to get a good point across. You know? My mom and I have been getting along for like 2 years now. Suddenly, she is acting like I am the enemy. I think that she is stressed out, and I am the perfect person to take it out on. Who is going to defend me, after all? Fuck, I'm stressed out too. The principal cut 10 teachers yesterday at summer school. Luckily, I wasn't one of them. A friend of mine was, but then she hired him back. There are going to be some changes, and I am going in Monday not even knowing what grade or room I am going to have. My friend told me, "You think too much." I guess. That may sum up all my problems in my whole life...that I think too much.