letting go
5:08 p.m. - 2003-07-15
I got up this morning, and got ready to go. I said a prayer and asked God to forgive me. I prayed to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel and to Mary. Then I headed to north Dallas listening to Tim McGraw's Set This Circus Down CD. I thought about how unfair this was to all the children involved. I know I am no saint. I made a mistake once myself several years ago. I have forgiven myself. I picked up my friend in a parking lot. She said she was bleeding and may already be having a miscarriage. We were too early. So, I had a cup of coffee. Then we went to the clinic. The protestors were aggressive. They had big signs, and even followed us and tried to talk to us over a wall. It really, really upset me. I settled down to read The Four Agreements Companion book by Don Miguel Ruiz. Every once in a while, I would try to explain to her how much easier her life would be if she would only sleep with just her husband. It would take so much stress off of her pregnancies (duh). It was an interesting group of folk in that waiting room. They called her in for her sonogram. She was #4. That's how they called her. She came back and told me they couldn't see anything, so they had her to a pregnancy test. (please God) They called her back again. She came out and said we had to go. Outside she told me they couldn't find a baby. She said that 3 things could be possible: 1. she had a false positive on her home pregnancy test 2. she had miscarried 3. she was experiencing an eptopic pregnancy. Since the latter was the worst, she convinced herself that's what it was. It would be the worst because she would have to have a surgical procedure. How could she hide it from her husband? I urged her to call her doctor. She wanted to go to a book store to read about eptopic pregnancies. We went. I kept thinking how I just wanted to go home. She studied up on it. Then we went to the mall. We went to lunch. She expressed how worried she was. I said, "Call you doctor right now. Make an appointment so he can see you soon." She asked what she would say. (Oh, what a tangled web we weave) She said she would wait (for what?) and call him next week. She confessed to me that during her last pregnancy, she prayed to lose the baby if it wasn't her husband's. She lost it. My dear, God only has so much mercy before you feel the wrath. She called this afternoon while I was in Target with Alyssa. I didn't answer. Her message was that her lover told her she should call the doctor so she did. Her doctor assured her it was not an ectopic pregnancy, but probably a miscarriage or false positive. I became very angry. I thought how hard I had begged her to call her doctor, but one word from that idiot and she obeys. I debated...should I call her and tell her off, or should I ignore her forever? I remembered the parasite that Don Miguel Ruiz speaks of. I have to be at peace with myself. She may never know a peace. I know that she will have to do this again. This time he can take her. I can't be involved anymore. I will not take her calls.
p.s. Our fortune cookies at lunch: (mine) "Do not delight in the misfortune of others." (hers) "Expect a sweet surprise soon."