Do you believe in life after love?
12:34 a.m. - 2002-12-27
I want to talk about something that is uncomfortable for me to talk about. I want to say that I am appreciative every day of my freedom. There have been times in my life when I was on my knees begging for mercy, trying to explain that I was a citizen of the United States and that I had rights that were protected by the Constitution and people like my father who fought for my freedom. Have you ever been that frightened? Have you ever crawled inside a pantry because there was a gun pointed at you? Has your head ever dodged a flying alarm clock radio that put a very large hole in the wall behind you? Have you ever been dragged across a floor so hard that your toenail polish leaves skid marks? Has anyone ever taken every telephone in your house to work with them so that you couldn�t call for help? Have you ever been in a dark bathroom with a monster towering over you begging God to get you out of it THIS ONE LAST TIME? I�m feeling sad stirring up all these memories. I�m also ashamed because these are only a few of the things I went through with my second husband. So, I�m going to stop here and say what I really want this entry to be about:
I am so happy that I can do anything I want. If I want to get gas at the gas station, I can do it. I don�t have to worry about where the gas station is located, or panic if a receipt doesn�t come out with the exact time that I got gas. Who gives a fuck if I don�t have my cell phone on me, or if it�s not getting a signal or if I don�t answer it in time? I breathe easily when I come home because I know everything I own is here, and it has not been pawned or become otherwise unavailable. It's okay if I'm at my mom's house for 1,2 or 10 hours. If my daughter and I want to stop off on the way home and eat McDonald's, I don't have to ask anybody. Most importantly, I don't have to keep my eyes on the ground in public places. I can walk outside without being accused of flirting with the neighbors. I don't have to keep my head forward in the car. I can�t imagine ever giving up any part of my independence again. Sure, I am somewhat confined in the fact that I have a child to take care of. But you and I know that is so different. It is so very different. And I love myself and my daughter more than I will ever love any man�but it�s wrong to call him a man. Freedom has a taste, and it�s delicious. Freedom has a smell, and it�s soothing. It�s better than the smell of any man.
I used to wonder, �Is it that I�m not strong enough, or is it that I�m too strong?" For that life, I was not strong enough. Oprah always says, �If you�re strong enough to take it, then you�re strong enough to leave.� And now, I am so strong that I cannot be broken again.