can you do the fandango?
8:21 p.m. - 2004-02-17
My mom verbally lashed out at me tonight in front of Alyssa about baby's daddy. She said something like, "Well you were hooked up with that guy and if he had a gun to your head and you would have done whatever he said." errrrrr, okay. Alyssa and I just looked at each other like, "What the fuck?" Anyway, so 10 minutes later I tell her calmly in private to please not say stuff like that in front of Alyssa. She had no idea what I was talking about. I told her twice what she said, and she couldn't even believe she said it.
I had this parent conference today that started out all shitty. Of course, I turned it all around because I am a professional. On the outside, I was very assuring and supportive. On the inside, I was screaming, "FUCK YOU AND THIS STUPID ASS JOB!" or something like that.
Why is it that when we are young, we cannot wait to grow up. Then when we are grown up, we wish to be young again. Once upon a time, I was a little girl. Then I was a teenager. I had some crazy times during my 20s. My 30s have been spent sort of straightening up the aftermath and reeling from the shock. Here I am now thinking that half of my life is over. Half of my life. Half of my life. Half.
My family will never forget the mistakes I have made. I will spend the rest of my life paying for them. I wonder what it would be like to move somewhere else and start over. I wonder what it would be like to have all new people in my life. I wonder why I'm writing all this sad ass bullshit. I need to check my cycle.
I still am reveling in the crunching sound that the snow made on Saturday. It was the best snow I've seen in such a long time. We kept picking it up and eating it. It was perfect snow that didn't even leave a mess behind. Unlike me and my life. This week is going to be dwell on the past week. Tomorrow I will begin at the beginning.