Don't read it...it's about losing weight
10:59 p.m. - 2003-12-25
This summer, I threw away all my sexy V!ctoria's Secret underwear. My excuse was that the thongs just aren't comfortable anymore. I used to live in them. Tonight on the bathroom floor, I realized that even my vag!na seems to have gained weight. I used to go out knowing that I looked good. Now I don't even want to go out at all. I try to just wear clothes that don't even draw attention to me. Part of me wants to go back to the late 80s when I dressed in all black. I remember there were a lot of punk chicks that were fat. A lot of the women today seem pretty proud of their chubbiness. I see them wearing shirts with their bellies hanging out. I admire them for it, and I think they look beautiful. Somehow I just don't have the same effect. I am disgusting to me. I know that Amarillo guy never called me back or made any kind of contact with me because of how I looked. People who I haven't seen in a couple of years don't even recognize me anymore. Even my best friend who would never tell me anything...he got really drunk one night and kept saying, "Why are you getting so big?" Another friend told me, "You're not fat. You're just overweight." She was trying to be helpful. It's not anyone but me writing this, though. I realize that I am my toughest critic (except my mother when she turns into Sybil). I also know that my solution isn't in some diet pill or some thing I can buy off of the t.v. My solution is to start working out and to stop eating so much. I want this. I won't write about this again unless I'm really doing something about it. It depresses me that this is the topic I have chosen to write about on Christmas. It's just that I don't feel pretty anymore. I was also thinking tonight (still on the floor) about how great the sex was with him (baby's daddy), and how that was a stolen year. It wasn't my life. But damn, we had chemistry. Is that it? Is that it for me? It seems too soon to be cherishing past sexual endeavors. Is all I have left a bunch of sick memories and my electric ma$$ager? I'm also tired of being tired all the time. I know from past experience that regular exercise will cure that. I want to be proud again. I want to feel sexy. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I want to feel good. You know that feeling like you could be wearing a pair of old pajamas, but you still look good? I haven't had that feeling in about a year. I'll bet you that it takes me about half of that to look good again. Check back tomorrow for a less depressing entry.
p.s. I miss you, dad.