Children who hurt
9:21 p.m. - 2003-04-02
When I look at all the things that I have accomplished this week, I feel good. When I think about the things I haven't accomplished and need to, I feel stressed out. Good, stress, good, stress...how can I balance that? I hope I will be able to sleep tonight. I love sleep. I hate sleep deprivation. One of the ways that baby's daddy would abuse me is sleep deprivation along with intense interrogations. Damn, he was a bastard. ANYHOW! Here's what I was thinking about last night when I cried: I was thinking about my dad, and how he used to pull up to this little bar right down the street. He used to leave me in the car and say, "I'll be right back. I have to use the little boy's room." So, I would sit there in the car, in front of a bar for a really long time. I used to think, "Daddy, must be having to use the number two, and he must be constipated." Dumb little kid! Your daddy was in there drinking! Anyhow, I started thinking about what it would be like to go inside that bar. I drive by it every now and then. I thought, who could I take to this bar? I could take my friend who likes to drink, and I know he would tell me funny stories the whole time. I could take Joy, and we could cry together. I could go by myself, get sloshed and tell my story of how my daddy used to drink here while I was in the car. That's when I started crying. I mean, I had my bottom lip out and I was crying like a little girl last night. You know when you're a kid, your parents are all you have. You believe everything they tell you. Everytime my daddy said, "This is my last 12 pack. I promise I won't buy anymore beer after I finish this," I truly and deeply believed him with all of my heart...everytime. I was always shocked when he purchased more. He would take me to get gas, go inside the gas station, and come out with a tall boy can in a sack. Then we would drive around so he could finish it. These were some of the ways he his a lot of his drinking from my mom. I was always looking forward to what life would be like when that 12 pack was gone. I thought it would all be different...everytime. So that's why I was crying. I also decided I probably don't ever want to go inside that bar. The end.
Karina, will we ever see you again and will you be alright?