Dancing with the devil
7:31 p.m. - 2003-02-10
I didn't post yesterday (Sunday). I met a friend for dinner and had an overall good day. There's only one thing that bothers me about yesterday. I missed HIM. I don't understand myself sometimes. I think it's because we used to spend Sunday in bed. We'd get up to go eat maybe. Sometimes we wouldn't eat at all. Soon it will be a year without contact. When I hit that one year, I will work towards another year with no contact. It's not just me I'm living for anymore. It's our daughter's life too. I take this life one day at a time, and it's a really good life. Every once in a while, though, he slips into my mind. I don't think he ever loved me, and I don't think I've ever loved anyone that much. He was addicted to drugs, and I was addicted to him. People who say things about battered women don't understand that if it were always bad, it wouldn't be difficult to leave. But in the cycle of abuse, the good times are just as good...even better...than the bad times are bad. I know it doesn't make sense. Does any part of abuse make sense? And today, in the store with my friend...my cell phone rang. I let it ring because I could. I didn't have to panic for the phone, or explain why I didn't answer it. It felt really good to be free like that. I won't forget again, and I won't miss him anymore.