entry
12:12 p.m. - 2003-01-18
I am so excited that I will soon have a laptop computer. That means I can sit on the couch or in the bed and write in my diary. How cool is that? Well my friend, that is cool to the extreme. The coolest thing of all is that I�m getting it from work, and I don�t have to pay for it. Oh yeah, I guess I can do work on it too�whatever.
I have some break up advice for anyone who�s listening. See I know that I�m not a relationship expert. I wouldn�t ask me about marriage advice. That would be like asking Mother Theresa how to be good in bed. That would be like asking Martin Luther King to help plan your KKK convention. However, I would consider myself a fairly experienced �relationship ender�. I am tired of giving long drawn out advice and warnings because no one pays me heed, so I have summed it up in 6 words. Are you ready people? Because this quite possibly could be the most important advice that I will probably ever give you (okay that�s a lie because I know I�ll give you lots of invaluable information). No matter how much you think your significant other would never do anything bad or mean to you, I am telling you these 6 words to put in the back of your mind in case you ever find yourself breaking up or divorcing or otherwise saying goodbye. Here it is: IT�S EITHER SCREW OR GET SCREWED. And that�s all I have to say about that. Now the decision I suppose you would have to make is whether you want to be the screwer or the screwee. I�ve been both, and neither is pretty. Word to your mutha.
I have a new book called the Book of If by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell. So here's one of the questions:
If you had to name the one thing you did as a child to most torment your sibling (s), what was it that you did?
My brother played in a band in Germany. They were offered a gig to tour with a band called Toby and the Buttons. They were too young, so my dad (the manager of the band) refused. When we came back to the U.S.A., my brother kept an autographed picture of them in his room. One day, I got scissors and cut the picture into pieces. My mom had to block him from getting to me. I wonder why I did that (I was 5 and he was 19). I think it�s just because I had discovered scissors�Dude.
But wait, you have to hear what he did to me. It's God awful. We don't speak of it much, but it did resurface the other night. Once...once mind you because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...I found the world's largest Cheeto. I was in awe. My brother and I were sitting on the couch together. I said, "Look at this Cheeto! Look how big it is!" He said, "Let me see it. I can't see from there." So I got closer and closer until he grabbed my hand and BIT INTO THE WORLD'S LARGEST CHEETO. It was ruined. I could have been famous, folks. He didn't even get in trouble.