Conversations
8:25 p.m. - 2002-11-12
Conversation with my 4 year old:
me-"Does mommy look skinny? I feel smaller."her-"No, mom. You're still fat."me-"Oh. I thought...maybe...hmmm.">Today, I didn't let anyone get to me. I even acted insane at times. It felt great. I also made an important decision today. I will no longer be consumed. See, the way my friend Joy describes it is letting people walk in your head with their dirty shoes on. I started thinking...damn, people be trampling in my head. And I get consumed by things...the latest being school. I have to let go and live life. That's what it is, you know...I have been avoiding living life. You don't have to live if you work all the time. Even after work, I come home and do stuff for work. That's fucked up. Anyhow, my goal is to let nothing consume me.
First step...my mom's brothers and sisters are coming. She asked me to cook them dinner for Friday night. I suggest that everyone come over to my apartment to eat. She gives a firm no to that. So tonight, I go over and she says, "Everyone is going to your brother's house to eat Friday night." I said, "Well, when I asked everyone to come to my house you said, 'no'." Okay, so we go on about our business..talking, reading the mail, etc. But I feel it consuming me. I feel that it will consume me...why does she love him more? why are my ideas always pushed aside while the prodigal son is worshipped? why can he do no wrong and i do no right." So, I'm leaving and my mom tries to give me money (makes her feel better). I refuse, she insists, I give in. But before I leave I say, "Mom, are you ashamed of where I live?" "What?? No!! What makes you say that??" she asks in shock. "Nothing," I say. Then she says, "We can come to your place...how about on Sunday?" So.....I feel better. I could have left it like it was, not said anything and let it consume me. But I asked. It's still not fair. She doesn't treat us fairly, but it's not eating me alive like it normally would.
Today's poem:
The sun shone, but it was cold outside.
Standing there shivering...watching over my students.
The conversation turns to bikini waxes.
Is nothing sacred? And I tell you how to shave.
And I laugh at how I need to clear away the cobwebs myself.
And because I used to get my arms waxed...not a bad idea to start up again.
Two single mothers who are finding themselves again.
And inappropriate conversations on the playground.