0n the R0cks
6:46 p.m. - 2004-04-26
Last night, I had to watch the end of High Sch00l Reuni0n to see if he proposed. When he gave her the ring, I cried. A., was lying in bed next to me. We had the following conversation:
A.: Mommy! You need to go on one of these shows. Then a man can ask you to marry him, and you can say yes. You need to say yes, mom, so that you can have a husband. Okay?
Me (looking at her next to me in bed), : A. where would my husband sleep?
A.: (long pause) I will be a big girl, mommy. I will sleep in my own bed. Then your husband can sleep here with you.
Our students are going absolutely nuts. I have never seen anything like it. It�s only Monday, and at least 5 kids have gone to the office. I sent one because he purposely interrupted me three times while I was teaching. I freaking hate to be interrupted.
Last night, I sat out on the patio and wrote 12 pages. It started out as a list, and then it turned into a long letter. I am not going to put it all here, but I will share the highlights. I don�t know what is really better...to not have something at all, or to have a little bit and want more. The things I was reminded of Friday night are will eventually fade away; but in the meantime, I can�t help smiling when I think of how it felt to:
hug hello
cuddle on the couch
be called a pet name
want and be wanted
sleep naked
embrace in the morning
fool around in the morning
kiss goodbye
And there is a part of me that wants that, but I don�t know where it all would fit into my life. So I am back to the question. Is it better to go without it at all, or to have a little bit every once in a while? And in the next few days, why will all these feelings dissipate into anger? I always end up feeling foolish. Why can�t I just take a moment for what it is? Why do I force myself to psychoanalyze everything until it�s ugly? I truly wish that I could just enjoy physical pleasure without emotional needs getting in the way. My goal this time is to do exactly that with no regrets. No regrets. If I achieve this goal, it could possibly lead to so much more for me. I just know it.
I am so so excited because I found a K!ll B!ll template for my diary. I�ll be working on that tonight.
My brand new D0nna Karen skirt practically fell off of me this morning. I am going to return it. It is not so hard to return clothes because they are too big. This all means that I might be able to swim this summer without being fully dressed. If I lose enough weight, I�m going to get a bikini. If I look really good, I�m going to get my belly pierced.
That reminds me of a conversation I had with an upstairs neighbor at the mailbox the other day.
Me: My daughter really likes your belly ring.
Her: Oh! I try not to let little kids see it.
Me: No, it�s okay. She knows she can�t get one. She wants me to get one.
Her: How funny! My friend�s mom got one, and she�s really old. She�s like 35!
Me: Oh my!
Me (under my breath): I�m 35.
*sigh*