here it is...
7:32 p.m. - 2004-03-10
I had to e-mail my Spanish teacher to tell her I couldn't make it to class tomorrow night. She wrote me back totally in Spanish. At first, I panicked. Then I figured out what it said. I can make up the class after Spring Break. I don't know how I feel about going to Spanish class for two nights in one week, but I guess I can do it.
Well, the reason I've been moody is that I kind of fell off of my high horse a bit. Here I was all proud of myself for being celibate for a year. Keep in mind, I'm proud because it is very mentally healthy for me to not get all mind fucked. Then an old friend (the same old friend who was the last person I slept with)comes around with all this bullshit about how he can get me a job and he needs to help me with the interview and blah, blah, blah. It was very transparent. I mean, I can get my own fucking jobs. I played along, though. I'm like yeah, yeah come on over (you know, I have my Thurs. nights and all). It was like I knew what was going to happen, and I let it. So everything was cool, and I was cool with everything. Then the days passed by. Suddenly, nothing about the job. Actually, nothing about nothing. So even though I knew it was all bullshit, there's no hint of even pretending that it wasn't bullshit. So then that inner voice starts in about how I must really suck in bed and how I must be repulsive. I keep thinking how I didn't even feel any kind of passion. I enjoyed the smell and the taste very much, but there was no feeling in my groin. You know the thing I'm talking about...that surge? Well, I know it was because he's not the right person. I know it's also because he screws me over everytime, and I let him. I should stop calling him a friend because my friends don't treat me like that. Even though I know that guys just operate that way, it still eats at me. He should at least pretend to be a friend for like a week or two before completely ignoring me for another year or so. Of course if this person were to call me, I'd probably be all, "Oh my God...stalker, stalker!" I think that I am pretty much a person who would never be happy with any given outcome. I can sit in here and say never again all day long. But if he called me right now, I'd probably fuck him again. That's just so slutty to admit. Then again, it could be PMS.