Reading OTHER PEOPLE'S lists
6:21 p.m. - 2002-11-21
(You can't afford no ring. You can't afford no ring. I shouldn't be wearing white and you can't afford no ring.)
Tonight, I went over to my mom�s house to visit. So, I�m sitting there and she goes to her freezer in the garage and brings back a tied up plastic bag full of God knows what. She said, �I think this is yours. Check what it is.� I reluctantly peer at the bag. She shakes it at my face, �Open it!� I shrink back in repulsion, �I�m afraid, mom.� She makes her growl of disgust sound and says, �Fine then I�ll open it.� Inside this bag is like a variety of food that should have been thrown in the garbage. I made out a chicken wing, some peas and some mashed potatoes. It was all frozen together in a clump. See, my mom freezes her garbage so that animals will not get into her trash (?!!). She�s been doing this for years, yet she suddenly tries to pass this bag of shit off to me. She has yet to realize what it is, and says, �I guess I�ll put it out in the garbage.� I say, �That�s fine by me!�
This is a typical conversation with my mother. Most of the time she starts talking in mid-thought, and I�m supposed to know exactly what she is referring to. She uses a lot of �that� and �over there� and I�m expected to be right with her. If I show any kind of confusion, she gets pissed off. She could be talking about the mailman, and switch to what was on Judge Judy in mid-sentence. A lot of times she screams at me, �I NEED HELP!� So, I say, �You name it, mom. What do you need?� That makes her mad as hell because I am supposed to KNOW.
When her brothers were in town last weekend, she gave me a list on Saturday morning to go to the store. I wish I had the list, but she had the menu for the day on the back of it. I had to return it. But I swear to you it looked exactly like this:
grv. mx (ch & t.)
strawberries?
coleslaw
cream
Okay, so she got pissed off when I asked what grv. mx (ch & t) was. She started huffing and puffing like she was just going to run out of patience with me. By the way, it means gravy mix (chicken and turkey). Then I said, �Do you want the strawberries or not?� That just about pushed her over the edge. I said, �Mom, if you want me to go to the store, I have to clarify this list.� Next, I asked what kind of coleslaw she wanted. I swear this is what she said: �Well, Minyard�s has coleslaw, but I don�t like their coleslaw. I don�t know. What about Handy Dan�s?� There is and never has been a Handy Dan�s anywhere in existence in this proximity. If anyone can clue me in on what this place is, I would appreciate it. Anywhooo, we get to the cream. I ask what kind of cream she wants, and she gets pissy and says, �What kind of cream do you have with strawberries?� Well, I don�t know about ya�ll but I�ve had all kinds of cream with strawberries�all kinds. I take a wild stab, �Cool Whip?� �Yesssssss, � she replies in that �my daughter is a moron� tone.
The thing that makes it all a hoot is that her own family was looking at her like she was insane. She is. They�ve known her longer than me, and they say she�s always been like that. They all feel so sorry for me when she shows off by treating me like that. However, they are never around long enough :)
(Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You may say there's no such thing as Santa; but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.)
Count of people at the wedding telling me how drunk I was: 5